I am sorry.  You NEVER heard these words from the one who inflicted pain upon your bare skin.

Eyes filled with terror as you heard the footsteps come down the hall.  Your heart raced and began to beat within your chest.  The pain you felt from your pounding heart was just the beginning of the pain you were about to endure.

The door opened and there your abuser stood with anger in his eyes and a sting in his hand.  Those hands that were created for healing and help have now become your worst enemy. 

You crouched down hoping, praying the abuse would end as fast as a blink of an eye.  Your help did not arrive, and the abuse was not quick like a blink.  You cried, you screamed, your heart bled with hurt. 

Years went by and you became numb.  You quit caring, and aiming to please for your efforts were never enough.  Nothing you did was ever quite right.  Your abuser always found a way to place blame on you, leading you to believe you were the problem, the mistake, and the reason for the abuse.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry the one who was supposed to be your Warrior and protect you wounded you. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry he lied to you and spoke harshly to you.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you were left alone in a pool of tears.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry your mother was trapped, paralyzed by fear and abuse herself, leaving her to weak to intervene. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry the abuse sent you on a course mapped out with pain and lies. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry your abuse led you into a life of shame and rejection.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry your abuse exiled you and left you alone in this evil, harsh, cruel, cold world.

I AM SORRY. 

I am sorry you were never able to sit in the lap of your Father and experience the kind of love that heals your heart and calms your fears.  The kind of love that cheers you on even when you make a “C”.  The kind of love that says you did it, you tried and gave your best and that is all I care about.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry your father never rocked you to sleep instead rocked you into the wall. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry he left you shamed and humiliated in front of others who looked down on you. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry he used you to gain approval, laughter, and jokes from others.  You are not a joke, you are not an embarrassment.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you were left to pick up the pieces, dry your eyes and become a man.  A man lost, a boy scared, a man hidden behind scars, and years of resentment. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you never knew the purity of the kiss of your father, and the lack of undefiled love left you chasing the kiss of other women and men.  I am sorry the twisted, manipulated love you were shown as a child left you empty, yearning, and desiring a love from childhood you never had and caused you to accept a distorted love.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry the enemy lied to you and led you to believe you were destined for the broken life you are now living. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry the stress from abuse sent you spiraling out of control into eating disorders and detrimental behaviors.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you felt so hopeless you turned to the dark, all you ever knew, to lead you along the way.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you never heard you were good enough, handsome, beautiful, strong, courageous, gifted, talented, and worth every sacrifice we as parents make.

I AM SORRY. 

I am sorry you experienced rejection, insecurity, and bullying in the hallways of your school and faced the same shame when you would return home.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry your home was not a place of shelter from the rain and storms of life.  I am sorry your home was more like Hell and a place of despair. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you were never told you were an answer to prayer, a gift from heaven cherished and loved.

I AM SORRY.

I am desperately sorry.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you were an abused one. 

I AM SORRY.  I, your Heavenly Father hear my heart, my words through my daughter, I AM SORRY. 

Photo Attribution: Katie Kowalski

Voices were raised, hands were flailing, and tears were falling.... Dramatic is an understatement for what had just gone down in my car. 

My husband and I exchanged words, our eyes met, and I was frazzled. Tempers, tempted to wage war at one another. However, the other temper tantrum, interrupted us serving as a reminder "we are in this together." 

No one in the car had succeeded at expressing our emotions and feelings in a gracious, loving, kind, and forgiving manner.

Other than my 10 month old who let out a giggle, as if to try and say, “You people are crazy, apple juice, really that is why everyone is having a momentary melt down?”, we were all fizzling and our fuses were exploding on one another like a pressure cooker reaching maximum heat. 

Thank the good Lord for driveways! The moment we pulled up I hurried out of the car.  Removing our three year old from his car seat I immediately took him inside where I could put him to bed and end the madness. 

My love and I continued to hash out the past events and finally looked to each other with desperate and dumbfounded eyes.  We blew it, and we knew it. The only thing left to do was hug and hold each other with the grip of love.  

The kind of love that's not afraid to say, “I'm sorry”, extended grace enough to cover the ugly, wipe tears from the eyes of the haughty, and forgive much and move on.  

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  Love never fails.”

As the sun was setting, the kitchen table called my name.  Each afternoon I am blessed with a grand view of the hand of God as He allows my eyes to behold His beauty through each sunset.  He paints me a masterpiece everyday.  I sat with coffee and looked out waiting, listening, and He spoke to me about His grace as I read a blog from a friend of mine. (Read here)

Her words reminded me, we have been given GRACE, generous amounts of GRACE and we are to extend the same GRACE to each other.  Grace, unmerited favor.  When I am blazing with furry, accusing everyone with blame, and flipping my lid over a screaming toddler, GRACE.  He speaks grace to me, through the laughter of my youngest. 

He giggled, in the midst of anger, and showed us a picture of grace. Our youngest did not pass judgment on anyone in the car, did not raise His voice to match ours, he simply let out a laugh.  Laughter and love is like medicine to our hearts.

Let us remember to extend GRACE.  Generous amounts of grace just as Christ has done for us, He doesn’t keep score, He doesn’t rejoice with evil when other’s “get what they deserve”, He forgives much. 

He is for us not against us and isn’t that how we should parent?  With each other not against each other, not trying to argue who is right or wrong. Let us join together and parent with love in our eyes, GRACE in our hands, forgiveness in our hearts, and kindness on our lips. Sometimes, most often of times, I just need to let out a laugh and parent together with my love extending generous amounts of GRACE.

Ever feel like the energizer bunny?

It keeps going, and going, and going! 

And then he STOPS, life around him however does NOT. 

The demands of life NEVER stop. There is always someone calling your name, something begging for your attention, and our hearts rage, pleading for calm, quiet, rest, sanity. 

Our next story of STRENGTH comes from a woman who knows the name of the game all to well.  Pull up a chair and get ready to let your hair down, relax and know you are in good company.  She can relate, and knows how life can be draining.

She is mommy, wife, guardian, sister, aunt, teacher, pastor’s wife, children's director, nursery coordinator, and friend.  Amanda has ALWAYS had a contagious smile, I often wondered how she was able to smile and face life with bravery and strength…. 

Join me as she tells all.

 “Being a woman can be tough when everyone expects the best out of you. You can only give 100% so many times before you start to feel worn down, exhausted and discouraged. I've had to learn to lean on The Lord in all things. Encourage yourself in Lord, find strength in his presence and rest In Him.” (Amanda Robbins)

I love how SIMPLE she makes finding STRENGTH.  Strength for her, for you, for me is not found in another class at the gym, Bible study, phone call, email, book club, meeting, STRENGTH, the kind of raw, sweaty, nasty, strength we need to face the difficulties of life is found through Christ.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, 

and she laughs without fear of the future."

Proverbs 31:25

Encouragement. His presence. Rest.

Maybe you are like David, are exhausted, drained, and have even questioned the Lord.

“How much longer?”, “I can’t handle anymore.”. “Have you forgotten me?” “Could you please come out of hiding?”, “I am drowning in sorrow.”, “I can’t eat, sleep.” (Psalm 13)

“But I have TRUSTED in your steadfast love; my heart shall REJOICE in your salvation.  I will SING to the Lord because He has dealt bountifully with me.” (Psalm 13:5-6)

 In a moment of loneliness, feeling forgotten, completely depleted David ENCOURAGES himself in the LORD.   He reminds himself of the Lord’s steadfast love, ceases to complain and begins to REJOICE in the salvation of the Lord, and speaks Truth over His life.  Our emotions can spiral out of control if we allow them weakening our hearts.  We must take control of our emotions and hearts and encourage ourselves, remind ourselves of His goodness even in the most draining days, moments, and seasons of life.

 “You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” (Psalm 16:11)

This one is HUGE to finding strength, enter into His presence, CRAWL if you have to, muster up every ounce of strength you do have to get there, phone a friend to come get you and drive you to church, change the music you are listening to……

GET INTO HIS PRESENCE. YOUR. LIFE. DEPENDS ON IT!  In His presence is EVERYTHING we need in order to weather the storms of life.

 “The LORD replied, "I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest--everything will be fine for you." (Exodus 33:14)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

REST in HIM.  Rest in His promise.  Trust the process.  Trust His Word.  Trust His Ways.  Trust His plan.  REST.  Quit striving, trying to figure everything out.  Don’t worry about tomorrow, don’t allow the cares of this world to choke out the Word of the Lord for your life.

Take a deep breath, say NO to fear, doubt, stress, striving, and just be.  JUST BE.  Turn the T.V. off, put down the phone, silence the noise in your life, remove distractions and say YES to REST, peace, tranquility, and quiet your soul.  Allow Him to lead you behind still waters and restore your soul. 

Encouragement.     His presence.       Rest.