I almost didn’t write tonight not because I don’t have anything to say, Lord knows and my loving would probably testify I always have something to say or at least have tangled letters rolling around in my head just waiting to be unraveled and sewn together to from words and strings of thoughts.

My thoughts unraveled and my emotions almost went haywire tonight and I chose to stop.  Just stop.  Reminding myself that envy never births promise.  Envy only births discontentment and jealousy.  In this case it was fueling resentment and anger.  Frustrating thoughts of I will never, and why cant I; I wish I could do what she is doing. ON and ON they roared through my head causing my heart to whirl out of sync with the rhythms of His beating heart.

In this moment I had to choose to close the instagram app, possibly even delete the friend not because she did anything wrong she didn’t.  I just can’t handle the fact that He is choosing to use her and not me in that great kind of way that if I am honest with myself I so desperate want as well. 

I want to be used, I want to host conferences, speak, write, travel the world, leave a lasting impact on all those around me, inspire others to fulfill their dreams, tell of all His goodness, faithfulness, and love a million times over.  Yet here I sit with keyboard and fingertips clicking away in pajamas.  I feel so far behind in the race, some days I don’t even feel like I’m in the race. 

Does my life even count, have real worth?  Do I even have anything to offer?  Before you give me all the preachy answers I know, I just want to be real.  I want to be transparent and say yes I am jealous; yes I am frustrated, yes I wish I could be like her.  But I have to let her go.  I am choosing to loosen my grip of jealousy.  I have to know at the end of the night, He is enough. Right here in the right now.  I may not ever get to do any of those fancy things or maybe they are but a day away. 

I kind of feel like belting Annie’s song at the top of my lungs tonight.  Have you ever felt that way!? 

The sun'll come out

Tomorrow

Bet your bottom dollar

That tomorrow

There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about

Tomorrow

Clears away the cobwebs,

And the sorrow

'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck in a day

That's gray,

And lonely,

I just stick out my chin

And Grin,

And Say,

Oh

The sun'll come out

Tomorrow

So ya gotta hang on

'Til tomorrow

Come what may

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow!

I love ya

Tomorrow!

You're always

A day

A way!

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow!

I love ya

Tomorrow!

You're always

A day

A way!

And after I finished belting this at the top of my lungs, I buried myself in the black print of the words on pages that really matter most.  No you can hardly find these on the pages of instagram, Facebook, blogs, or the world wide web of lies.  You will only find these words written in His Word.  So I take a deep breath and repeat till my heart begins to sync with His and I close my eyes and see His gaze fixate on mine. 

“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you.  Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.  You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are ~ no more, no less.  That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.  You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God.  He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.”

Matthew 5:4-6 Msg

   

Why is it that if we believe perfect love cast out fear so many of us still struggle with fear?  For those of you who know me and know a little of my story my issues with fear go way back.  (Read more here) 

I am currently reading “Make it Happen” by Lara Casey, while reading the conversations with my head and heart begin.  Maybe you have had similar conversations yourself.  You know the kind where your “head” argues with your “heart”.  My head knows the facts, the promises of God’s unfailing love and Word, and my heart knows the truth of my calloused heart.  My head tries to convince my heart she is truly free of fear while my heart aches and quietly whispers, “But she is not, she is not free.”  Fact and Truth soar with rising heights of tension.

Heated, I believe would be an understatement for this in-particular debate.  Clashing. Resounding. Arguments from both my heart and head collide.  I sit quietly, in the silence and all I can hear is the screeching, as I demand they both, “BE STILL.”  Yes, “Be Still, quiet both of you.” 

Fact is yes I struggle with fear.  Truth is I am set free from free.  Perfect love cast out fear.  However, I have come to realize if I am not in control, with my planning, thinking, then I am not really free from fear.  Here lies the inward truth, with this entire inward struggle and turmoil it comes down to me controlling my future.  I don’t trust.  If I can think, plan, insure everything goes smoothly then I do not struggle with fear, I know the outcome, because I have already thought through every slightest of details.  BUT when I do not know the plan, the thoughts in regards to my future, I FREAK.  I FEAR. 

I have dreams, dreams I believe are from the heart of God, concerning my life.  But I also feel the need to do A, B, C…. to make sure it comes to pass.  If I don’t do this, then “this plan, this dream, this calling, this purpose” will not happen, because I have to make it happen. While I fully believe there are steps we need to take, I am speaking of my ways, my steps and not walking in His ways and steps.  I have been coming up with my own way and plan to try and make sure His plan comes to pass. 

Are you ready to hear my ugly truth?

I don’t trust that He is God and He is Big enough to make His plan for my life come to pass.  I feel like He desperately needs my help and assistance.  I have been cleverly taking on His role.  Instead of letting go of control and holding to His hand I have been driving myself crazy exhausted trying to figure out with my planning, and thinking how am I going to make this happen.

I am finally coming to a place where I am letting go of all the plans I had for my life in order to insure His plan would come to pass and I am leaning in close not unto my own understanding, BUT acknowledging Him and trusting He is and will continue to direct my path.  And all those dreams and desires I am trusting they are His and He is able to do exceedingly, more than I can ever ask dream or imagine. 

I have resolved to believe the impossible is possible for my life; He has plans to prosper me and not harm me or leave me broken and disappointed.  I resolve to live with zeal and not be jealous or anxious for anything.  I have decided to live by faith and not act out of fear and try to control the outcome of my life.  I am complete in Christ, and He loves me and wants to give me good gifts, He is not a God of lack.  There is more than enough of Him to go around.  I will humble myself under His hand and trust that He will lift me up in His time!  Acting in fear will only suffocate and eventually kill my faith. Oh but actively walking in Faith will suffocate and eventually kill my fear.

What about you, do you fear your dreams will not come to pass unless you make it happen with plans that will possibly lead you further away from your dream? 

I’ll be utterly and completely honest I am a stargazer.  Not the type of stargazer, who looks into the starry night and looses all track of time.  While I thoroughly enjoy the spring and summer nights where I am afforded the opportunity to escape into the country and gaze into the night sky, it happens less than I’d like. 

Here lately, I have found myself to be the stargazer of the rich and famous.  I loose myself wandering through endless mazes of instagram, blogs, and twitter wishing I had their life.  I find inspirational authors, compare and contrast, their lives, their successes, and envy them. 

Envy is a thief of contentment.  Gazing at the “now” appearances of their lives without knowing the “way back when” years of endless lonely days and nights is foolish.  How can I envy a walk I know nothing of? What troubles their heart, threatens their dreams, steals their joy, breaks down every ounce of hope, and robs them of contentment themselves?  The success of others, to our mere eyes, often appears as luck.  This “luck” of having friends in the right places, massive amounts of money, connections, or fame, are really years of hard work and dedication. I quickly forget to examine the long road they themselves traveled. 

Tired but relentless in pursuit for the calling in their hearts, they journey on, despite hardship disappointment, and failures.  They make sacrifices; practice the mundane behind the scenes not so glamorous art of self-discipline.  These I dream of being or being like, make sacrifices, practice, pray, read, write, study and do this all while never being known by anyone except the greatest of all – The CREATOR of the stars.

To be known by many one must first be known by one, the Creator of all.  He who creates the stars, created it all.  He knows me better, much better, than I know myself.  While I am off gallivanting, dreaming of another’s life, He is calling me to dream and pursue His life, His heart, His story, His plan, and not to fret and envy others.

I desperately long to be acknowledged, to do something great for His purposes, but sometimes more times than not, I confuse the acknowledgement of man, as success instead of the acknowledgement of Him.  I am reminded of the story of Joseph, a little haughty in spirit; he just knew the Lord was going to use him for something great and couldn’t wait for his turn at success. 

However, his journey to “success” came twenty-two years later in a way, I think perhaps even shocked and surprised him. His story, I believe, was probably not anything like he expected it to be.  Never in a thousand years do I think Joseph thought his journey to doing something great for God would lead him into slavery and land him in prison. 

Hidden in the shadows, for twenty-two years, Joseph stayed faithful to the Lord.  Joseph acknowledged the Lord in the shadows, and the Lord acknowledged him in the shadows.  The Lord provided Joseph opportunities even in the shadows of prison to continue acknowledging HIM.  I am sure that if I were Joseph I may have thought twice about acknowledging the Lord in the shadows of prison.  After all Joseph had previously done what was right and it landed him in prison, into the shadows.

I believe while you and I are not in a physical prison, we have become captive to envy, a prison of jealousy.  We have been held captive to the lie of the enemy that the years in the shadows are worthless, fruitless, unproductive, maybe even punishment, meaningless.  We have become captive to the thoughts that our dreams will never come true.  We are just nobodies, working a job that we hate, wandering through college lost with no vision or dream to pursue, this is all we will ever be… our current state.  Lives in what seem to be shambles, are redirected, redesigned, and recreated for His glory.

Yet, “If we resist the mundane we will miss the miraculous.” (Steven Furtick)  He hides us in the shadows for a reason, for his purpose, for His timing, for a way that is way bigger than we could ever dream.  I have committed to the shadows, to embrace His ways, to acknowledge Him in all I do and to live for His purposes.  He will draw me out and use me when He sees fit at the perfect time. 

Maybe you are like me gazing at stars, envying their life instead of gazing at the STAR and the Creator of all stars envying a life that brings HIM glory even if it means living in the shadows and making Him known right there in the dark, lonely, insignificant places.  When you and I make Him known wherever we are the “knowing” you bring to those hidden in the shadows along side you is NEVER insignificant. 

May we remember to measure our success not by the praise of man, the media of this world, how many read our blogs, listen to the music we create, the publicity and fame, but by the lives we change by making Him known.

I want to make Him known, in all I do; My heart now beats for the “knowing” the real “knowing” the knowing of Him who created the stars, HE is the only star I want to be found gazing at.  I want to know Him, acknowledge him, and let Him direct my steps.  I want to follow him into the trenches, the shadows, the limelight, wherever He may call.  I don’t want to know Him and make Him known for selfish, vain, motives.  NO.  I want to know Him and make Him known so I don’t miss my part in HIS show, His story. 

I am committed to living, writing, this year and every year to come for Him alone.  I will acknowledge Him and make Him known.  I will make Him known to my children, the students in our youth, friends, family, and others I don’t know via my blog.  I will not lean unto my own understanding and chase my way or what I think my life should mirror or look like.  I will chase after Him into the unknown, trusting He is writing my story, and I am known by HIM, besides to be known by Him and called His friend is all that really matters in the end.   

I will choose with joy in my heart to hide under the shadow of the most High even if that shadow never allows me to be known by many in this world, or brings me fame.  If I gain fame but do not know Him then I will be shamed in the end.  I want the shadows, His shadow to pull me closer into the knowing of Him. 

Recently, I have caught myself being awed by the richness of the golden sunlight.  Leaves gleaming.  Reflecting light displays an aura of perfection.  The warmth of the sun in the midst of the crisp breeze delights my soul and captivates my sight.  Loosing myself, track of time, and cares of this world as my eyes become fixated on the beauty surrounding me. 

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers. (Psalm 1)

I couldn’t help but think of this verse as I gazed upon the majestic trees in my yard.  With every passing minute, the light reflecting off of the remaining leaves seemed to only increase in exquisite beauty, gleaming in the setting sun.

Every tree individually planted.  Strategically placed.  Reflecting the splendor of His GLORY.  Drawing us in by the beauty reflecting off of their leaves. We are like these trees.  You and I are individually planted and strategically placed in this world.  Reflecting the essence of His beauty, glory, and splendor. He uses us to bring warmth to shivering cold souls as His warm presence reflects off of our REDEEMED lives.

Perhaps you wonder why you are where you are in life.  You are where you are to be planted, to yield fruit, to prosper, to produce life, His fruit so that your leaves don’t wither.  He planted you beside streams of water for a purpose. 

When I see these same trees at different times of day they are still pretty but pale in comparison when the rich sunlight reflects off of them.  You are beautiful, but your righteousness pales in comparison to His righteousness.  When you stay planted and allow Him to reflect off of you are just the right time, oh the difference you shall make! His light, His Son, His Glory, His Redemption makes all the difference. 

 

Delight in the law of the Lord; meditate on it day and night.  His word brings light, truth, and freedom.  His word is health to our souls and the souls around us.  Stay the course, not looking to the left or right but with a gaze fixated on Him alone. 

Allow Him to shine on you and reflect off of you to bring freedom and redemption to those around you.  You are placed where you are in life on PURPOSE to REFLECT His glory. 

Thank you for joining me on this 31 day writing challenge.  I pray your eyes were opened to better see His hand on your life, and His redemption at work in your life.  I believe the journey is the destination until we reach home in His arms.  My heart is no longer sick and aching, (Proverbs 13:12) I have found HOPE, I have found purpose, I have found my voice, I have fulfilled a call, a challenge, and will continue to pursue this purpose for which I was made and planted.  As I continue to write, I pray His glory reflects off of each word typed and all who come by receive HOPE and Redemption.