I am sorry.  You NEVER heard these words from the one who inflicted pain upon your bare skin.

Eyes filled with terror as you heard the footsteps come down the hall.  Your heart raced and began to beat within your chest.  The pain you felt from your pounding heart was just the beginning of the pain you were about to endure.

The door opened and there your abuser stood with anger in his eyes and a sting in his hand.  Those hands that were created for healing and help have now become your worst enemy. 

You crouched down hoping, praying the abuse would end as fast as a blink of an eye.  Your help did not arrive, and the abuse was not quick like a blink.  You cried, you screamed, your heart bled with hurt. 

Years went by and you became numb.  You quit caring, and aiming to please for your efforts were never enough.  Nothing you did was ever quite right.  Your abuser always found a way to place blame on you, leading you to believe you were the problem, the mistake, and the reason for the abuse.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry the one who was supposed to be your Warrior and protect you wounded you. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry he lied to you and spoke harshly to you.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you were left alone in a pool of tears.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry your mother was trapped, paralyzed by fear and abuse herself, leaving her to weak to intervene. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry the abuse sent you on a course mapped out with pain and lies. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry your abuse led you into a life of shame and rejection.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry your abuse exiled you and left you alone in this evil, harsh, cruel, cold world.

I AM SORRY. 

I am sorry you were never able to sit in the lap of your Father and experience the kind of love that heals your heart and calms your fears.  The kind of love that cheers you on even when you make a “C”.  The kind of love that says you did it, you tried and gave your best and that is all I care about.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry your father never rocked you to sleep instead rocked you into the wall. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry he left you shamed and humiliated in front of others who looked down on you. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry he used you to gain approval, laughter, and jokes from others.  You are not a joke, you are not an embarrassment.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you were left to pick up the pieces, dry your eyes and become a man.  A man lost, a boy scared, a man hidden behind scars, and years of resentment. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you never knew the purity of the kiss of your father, and the lack of undefiled love left you chasing the kiss of other women and men.  I am sorry the twisted, manipulated love you were shown as a child left you empty, yearning, and desiring a love from childhood you never had and caused you to accept a distorted love.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry the enemy lied to you and led you to believe you were destined for the broken life you are now living. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry the stress from abuse sent you spiraling out of control into eating disorders and detrimental behaviors.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you felt so hopeless you turned to the dark, all you ever knew, to lead you along the way.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you never heard you were good enough, handsome, beautiful, strong, courageous, gifted, talented, and worth every sacrifice we as parents make.

I AM SORRY. 

I am sorry you experienced rejection, insecurity, and bullying in the hallways of your school and faced the same shame when you would return home.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry your home was not a place of shelter from the rain and storms of life.  I am sorry your home was more like Hell and a place of despair. 

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you were never told you were an answer to prayer, a gift from heaven cherished and loved.

I AM SORRY.

I am desperately sorry.

I AM SORRY.

I am sorry you were an abused one. 

I AM SORRY.  I, your Heavenly Father hear my heart, my words through my daughter, I AM SORRY. 

Photo Attribution: Katie Kowalski

Fragile Handle with Care Part 1

Hesitation poured over my broken heart as I was moved into an unfamiliar place.  This place was different than the places my heart had inhabitant in times past.  This place was warm, inviting, secure, peaceful, pleasant, and altogether lovely.  My heart had not felt peace of this magnitude since before the night death took root in my heart at the tender age of three.  (Read more here about the dreaded night death knocked on my door)

If I allow myself to feel the deep pain of remembering the past, I can recall her soft voice.  I haven’t heard this voice since before the night death treaded through my home and left me filled with devastation, fear, and anger. Attempting to destroy my fragile heart I was left alone in darkness.  This place of darkness is where I hid for many years holding tightly to what I thought would protect and keep me from feeling pain and loss.  

Quietly and gently He began to speak to me.  His voice was like a light that dimly lit my darkened heart.  I was ready; I longed to listen for hours.  I hadn’t heard a voice with such care and tenderness since before the dreaded night death came to dwell in my heart and home. His voice was safe, His place was safe, this move was safe, I was, and I am safe. 

His voice began to sing over me and quieted me with the hushed tones of love.  As he removed every piece of my heart and tended to the sharp, ridged edges, His touch began to bring life to my dead spirit. The bubble wrap of un-forgiveness had suffocated my heart, leaving me lifeless. 

I began to feel the pains of brokenness yet again; this brokenness was not like that of before.  The brokenness I felt this time around was one of healing. 

How can this be?

Brokenness that births forgiveness, 

births healing and new life.

My heart crushed under the pressure of His hand, now a fine dust; dust and dirt that HE would use to recreate in me a clean heart. A broken and contrite heart He would not deny.  Was this brokenness actually for something good, to serve a greater purpose?  This brokenness I was horridly ashamed of, these were the pieces he crushed and used in order to recreate a beautiful vessel.    

This heart would come to find brokenness forged along side with forgiveness is beautiful, absolutely breathtaking, jaw dropping kind of exquisite beauty.  The kind of beauty one can only find in the early morning sunrises painted across the sky by the Magnificent Artist Himself.

This heart would not be denied, left for death, NO this heart would be accepted and experience life in the light of His glory and love.

Forgiveness, found me.  Moved me into a place, presence mere words can’t describe.  In His presence there is fullness of joy, love everlasting, healing for even the most deeply hurt individual. 

Forgiveness moved me into the Potter’s house.  The Potter’s House is where I now abide.  I only move when He moves me from the shelf to use me for His purposes.  I continue even to this day to experience brokenness, but this brokenness is one that He uses to make me into HIS earthen vessel.  A vessel, He can work, and move through.  A vessel who strives to be quick to forgive, for that is what He filled me with. 

Now filled with Forgiveness, I mustn’t hold tightly onto it as before with un-forgiveness, I must relinquish this love, forgiveness, I have been given.  I am His and He is mine.  Eager to give, what I longed for so many years to have, forgiveness freed me, healed me, and now I desire for others to experience this same kind of freedom.  This soul anchoring HOPE that only comes from HIM.

Would you allow yourself to trust, love, forgive; move out of depression, resentment, anger, anxiety and into the presence of the Almighty?  It’s moving day for you and there is a place just for you at the Potter’s House.   

Recently, I have caught myself being awed by the richness of the golden sunlight.  Leaves gleaming.  Reflecting light displays an aura of perfection.  The warmth of the sun in the midst of the crisp breeze delights my soul and captivates my sight.  Loosing myself, track of time, and cares of this world as my eyes become fixated on the beauty surrounding me. 

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers. (Psalm 1)

I couldn’t help but think of this verse as I gazed upon the majestic trees in my yard.  With every passing minute, the light reflecting off of the remaining leaves seemed to only increase in exquisite beauty, gleaming in the setting sun.

Every tree individually planted.  Strategically placed.  Reflecting the splendor of His GLORY.  Drawing us in by the beauty reflecting off of their leaves. We are like these trees.  You and I are individually planted and strategically placed in this world.  Reflecting the essence of His beauty, glory, and splendor. He uses us to bring warmth to shivering cold souls as His warm presence reflects off of our REDEEMED lives.

Perhaps you wonder why you are where you are in life.  You are where you are to be planted, to yield fruit, to prosper, to produce life, His fruit so that your leaves don’t wither.  He planted you beside streams of water for a purpose. 

When I see these same trees at different times of day they are still pretty but pale in comparison when the rich sunlight reflects off of them.  You are beautiful, but your righteousness pales in comparison to His righteousness.  When you stay planted and allow Him to reflect off of you are just the right time, oh the difference you shall make! His light, His Son, His Glory, His Redemption makes all the difference. 

 

Delight in the law of the Lord; meditate on it day and night.  His word brings light, truth, and freedom.  His word is health to our souls and the souls around us.  Stay the course, not looking to the left or right but with a gaze fixated on Him alone. 

Allow Him to shine on you and reflect off of you to bring freedom and redemption to those around you.  You are placed where you are in life on PURPOSE to REFLECT His glory. 

Thank you for joining me on this 31 day writing challenge.  I pray your eyes were opened to better see His hand on your life, and His redemption at work in your life.  I believe the journey is the destination until we reach home in His arms.  My heart is no longer sick and aching, (Proverbs 13:12) I have found HOPE, I have found purpose, I have found my voice, I have fulfilled a call, a challenge, and will continue to pursue this purpose for which I was made and planted.  As I continue to write, I pray His glory reflects off of each word typed and all who come by receive HOPE and Redemption. 

 

Skeletons in our closets, monsters in our heads if we are truly honest with ourselves we all have them.  Last night I had an opportunity to speak to our students about some of the skeletons in my closet.  (Read more here)  I know I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me and tell me they needed to know and I believe you need to know, say it with me, “I own the skeletons and monsters in my closet, they don’t own me.”

You were bought with a price!  You are REDEEMED and no longer enslaved to sin and the enemy.  Christ has given you all authority.  YOU own those monsters and YOU have the authority to tell them where to go….. If you get what I mean?  You have the authority to take those monstrous thoughts, and condemning skeletons captive and make them obedient to the WORD OF GOD.

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

You are NOT your monster’s slave.  You are NO longer a slave.  Who the Son sets FREE is FREE indeed! To be redeemed means to be bought back, freed.  That monster is now YOUR slave.  You own that monster.  As for the skeleton’s of your past they are erased and forgotten.  He remembers no more.  There is now therefore NO condemnation, regret, guilt, and shame for those who are in Christ Jesus he bore your shame, my shame once and for all.  He declared, “It is finished”! 

 And they sang a new song, saying,

“Worthy are you to take the scroll and to open its seals, 

for you were slain,

 And by your blood you ransomed people for God from

Every tribe and language and people and nation, (Rev. 5:9 esv)

Together we all can sing a new song, the song of the redeemed.  I am very passionate about the way we live our lives as the Redeemed of the Lord.  You have a story to tell, HIS story, and you have a song to sing! 

Over ten years ago, the Lord spoke to me when I was inquiring of Him about LIFE.  He spoke to me and showed me that Life is, (John 10:10)  He came to give us LIFE and LIFE more abundantly.

This blog was birthed out of a passion to see believers, and lost wanders, like I once was, found and experience LIFE real life, true life in HIM.  A life worthy of the price He paid.  You are the Redeemed and He has a FULL life for you.  You can experience life in HIM.  He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than you could ever ask, dream, or imagine!!! (Eph. 3:20)

As this series comes to a close I pray the Holy Spirit seals this revelation in your heart and spirit.  You are REDEEMED and YOU own those monsters they don’t own you!

I pray you continue to join me in the days, months, and years ahead as I continue to live in freedom everyday and experience life the way He designed it, in freedom. 

Anchored in HOPE,

Laura Mitchell