Why is it that if we believe perfect love cast out fear so many of us still struggle with fear?  For those of you who know me and know a little of my story my issues with fear go way back.  (Read more here) 

I am currently reading “Make it Happen” by Lara Casey, while reading the conversations with my head and heart begin.  Maybe you have had similar conversations yourself.  You know the kind where your “head” argues with your “heart”.  My head knows the facts, the promises of God’s unfailing love and Word, and my heart knows the truth of my calloused heart.  My head tries to convince my heart she is truly free of fear while my heart aches and quietly whispers, “But she is not, she is not free.”  Fact and Truth soar with rising heights of tension.

Heated, I believe would be an understatement for this in-particular debate.  Clashing. Resounding. Arguments from both my heart and head collide.  I sit quietly, in the silence and all I can hear is the screeching, as I demand they both, “BE STILL.”  Yes, “Be Still, quiet both of you.” 

Fact is yes I struggle with fear.  Truth is I am set free from free.  Perfect love cast out fear.  However, I have come to realize if I am not in control, with my planning, thinking, then I am not really free from fear.  Here lies the inward truth, with this entire inward struggle and turmoil it comes down to me controlling my future.  I don’t trust.  If I can think, plan, insure everything goes smoothly then I do not struggle with fear, I know the outcome, because I have already thought through every slightest of details.  BUT when I do not know the plan, the thoughts in regards to my future, I FREAK.  I FEAR. 

I have dreams, dreams I believe are from the heart of God, concerning my life.  But I also feel the need to do A, B, C…. to make sure it comes to pass.  If I don’t do this, then “this plan, this dream, this calling, this purpose” will not happen, because I have to make it happen. While I fully believe there are steps we need to take, I am speaking of my ways, my steps and not walking in His ways and steps.  I have been coming up with my own way and plan to try and make sure His plan comes to pass. 

Are you ready to hear my ugly truth?

I don’t trust that He is God and He is Big enough to make His plan for my life come to pass.  I feel like He desperately needs my help and assistance.  I have been cleverly taking on His role.  Instead of letting go of control and holding to His hand I have been driving myself crazy exhausted trying to figure out with my planning, and thinking how am I going to make this happen.

I am finally coming to a place where I am letting go of all the plans I had for my life in order to insure His plan would come to pass and I am leaning in close not unto my own understanding, BUT acknowledging Him and trusting He is and will continue to direct my path.  And all those dreams and desires I am trusting they are His and He is able to do exceedingly, more than I can ever ask dream or imagine. 

I have resolved to believe the impossible is possible for my life; He has plans to prosper me and not harm me or leave me broken and disappointed.  I resolve to live with zeal and not be jealous or anxious for anything.  I have decided to live by faith and not act out of fear and try to control the outcome of my life.  I am complete in Christ, and He loves me and wants to give me good gifts, He is not a God of lack.  There is more than enough of Him to go around.  I will humble myself under His hand and trust that He will lift me up in His time!  Acting in fear will only suffocate and eventually kill my faith. Oh but actively walking in Faith will suffocate and eventually kill my fear.

What about you, do you fear your dreams will not come to pass unless you make it happen with plans that will possibly lead you further away from your dream? 

I’ll be utterly and completely honest I am a stargazer.  Not the type of stargazer, who looks into the starry night and looses all track of time.  While I thoroughly enjoy the spring and summer nights where I am afforded the opportunity to escape into the country and gaze into the night sky, it happens less than I’d like. 

Here lately, I have found myself to be the stargazer of the rich and famous.  I loose myself wandering through endless mazes of instagram, blogs, and twitter wishing I had their life.  I find inspirational authors, compare and contrast, their lives, their successes, and envy them. 

Envy is a thief of contentment.  Gazing at the “now” appearances of their lives without knowing the “way back when” years of endless lonely days and nights is foolish.  How can I envy a walk I know nothing of? What troubles their heart, threatens their dreams, steals their joy, breaks down every ounce of hope, and robs them of contentment themselves?  The success of others, to our mere eyes, often appears as luck.  This “luck” of having friends in the right places, massive amounts of money, connections, or fame, are really years of hard work and dedication. I quickly forget to examine the long road they themselves traveled. 

Tired but relentless in pursuit for the calling in their hearts, they journey on, despite hardship disappointment, and failures.  They make sacrifices; practice the mundane behind the scenes not so glamorous art of self-discipline.  These I dream of being or being like, make sacrifices, practice, pray, read, write, study and do this all while never being known by anyone except the greatest of all – The CREATOR of the stars.

To be known by many one must first be known by one, the Creator of all.  He who creates the stars, created it all.  He knows me better, much better, than I know myself.  While I am off gallivanting, dreaming of another’s life, He is calling me to dream and pursue His life, His heart, His story, His plan, and not to fret and envy others.

I desperately long to be acknowledged, to do something great for His purposes, but sometimes more times than not, I confuse the acknowledgement of man, as success instead of the acknowledgement of Him.  I am reminded of the story of Joseph, a little haughty in spirit; he just knew the Lord was going to use him for something great and couldn’t wait for his turn at success. 

However, his journey to “success” came twenty-two years later in a way, I think perhaps even shocked and surprised him. His story, I believe, was probably not anything like he expected it to be.  Never in a thousand years do I think Joseph thought his journey to doing something great for God would lead him into slavery and land him in prison. 

Hidden in the shadows, for twenty-two years, Joseph stayed faithful to the Lord.  Joseph acknowledged the Lord in the shadows, and the Lord acknowledged him in the shadows.  The Lord provided Joseph opportunities even in the shadows of prison to continue acknowledging HIM.  I am sure that if I were Joseph I may have thought twice about acknowledging the Lord in the shadows of prison.  After all Joseph had previously done what was right and it landed him in prison, into the shadows.

I believe while you and I are not in a physical prison, we have become captive to envy, a prison of jealousy.  We have been held captive to the lie of the enemy that the years in the shadows are worthless, fruitless, unproductive, maybe even punishment, meaningless.  We have become captive to the thoughts that our dreams will never come true.  We are just nobodies, working a job that we hate, wandering through college lost with no vision or dream to pursue, this is all we will ever be… our current state.  Lives in what seem to be shambles, are redirected, redesigned, and recreated for His glory.

Yet, “If we resist the mundane we will miss the miraculous.” (Steven Furtick)  He hides us in the shadows for a reason, for his purpose, for His timing, for a way that is way bigger than we could ever dream.  I have committed to the shadows, to embrace His ways, to acknowledge Him in all I do and to live for His purposes.  He will draw me out and use me when He sees fit at the perfect time. 

Maybe you are like me gazing at stars, envying their life instead of gazing at the STAR and the Creator of all stars envying a life that brings HIM glory even if it means living in the shadows and making Him known right there in the dark, lonely, insignificant places.  When you and I make Him known wherever we are the “knowing” you bring to those hidden in the shadows along side you is NEVER insignificant. 

May we remember to measure our success not by the praise of man, the media of this world, how many read our blogs, listen to the music we create, the publicity and fame, but by the lives we change by making Him known.

I want to make Him known, in all I do; My heart now beats for the “knowing” the real “knowing” the knowing of Him who created the stars, HE is the only star I want to be found gazing at.  I want to know Him, acknowledge him, and let Him direct my steps.  I want to follow him into the trenches, the shadows, the limelight, wherever He may call.  I don’t want to know Him and make Him known for selfish, vain, motives.  NO.  I want to know Him and make Him known so I don’t miss my part in HIS show, His story. 

I am committed to living, writing, this year and every year to come for Him alone.  I will acknowledge Him and make Him known.  I will make Him known to my children, the students in our youth, friends, family, and others I don’t know via my blog.  I will not lean unto my own understanding and chase my way or what I think my life should mirror or look like.  I will chase after Him into the unknown, trusting He is writing my story, and I am known by HIM, besides to be known by Him and called His friend is all that really matters in the end.   

I will choose with joy in my heart to hide under the shadow of the most High even if that shadow never allows me to be known by many in this world, or brings me fame.  If I gain fame but do not know Him then I will be shamed in the end.  I want the shadows, His shadow to pull me closer into the knowing of Him. 

We had driven this stretch of road countless times.  I don’t recall the reason we were coming over the bridge, just the emotion seeping through my heart.  This time in the privacy of the car, little ones napping, just my husband and I, and I said out loud what I truly felt on the inside.  I am not one to outwardly share raw emotion with others.  I am the strong one.

This time however, raw they were, and real as the heart beating in my chest.  “I MISS HIM.”  Without question, he knew.  While the physical road we traveled was not foreign nor was the emotional road I had allowed my heart to travel upon.  I had not seen him in nearly two years.  I rarely hear his voice. 

I fear.  Yes I said it, FEAR.  He is far from home, and not just home here with our family, I fear his heavenly home.  I cannot stop the tears.  I don’t understand, his choices.  Confusing, and enraging.  WHY. WHY can’t he just come home?  Doesn’t he know we love him, want him, and desperately and eagerly wait for his arrival, his calls.  THEY don’t come. 

I often wonder how the father felt in the story of the prodigal son.  I feel as though with each passing day, my heart grows weary, and the tears becoming more frequent, I am loosing hope.  YES.  The girl who writes about HOPE, and being steadfast.  I cry, COME HOME.  Yet to my demise, no reply.  I make phone calls with ringing on the other end as my heart gives way with each call ended without a voice of HI. 

I must die.  Die to the unknown.  The fear. The doubt.  The anger.  The confusion.  I must find resurrection through the ONE who holds life.  My life, his life, your life.  I must take hold of my flesh, raw emotion, and feelings tried and true, and crucify them that I might find life.  I must throw off worry, and the sin that so easily entangles me, and TRUST. 

Cling to what is good, abhor what is evil, even my own selfish thoughts.  Hold tight to the promises.  Though I may not be able to call him home physically, I will awake with each new day filled with mercies anew and call to heaven.  Even though the wayward one doesn’t answer my calls, HE will answer me.  His ear is not to dull, and HIS arm is not to short.  HE will come, HE will call, and HE with loving-kindness will bring him safely home. 

So I will bow my head and rely on the promise I have, and I will hold to HIS promise, HIS voice, and I will clothe myself with dignity and strength, laugh at the days ahead, and eagerly await his HOMECOMING.  The wayward son, my brother will hear his name being called by the MOST HIGH and he will answer, he will not deny.

 That is why I can smile while I cry.  There is strength behind the veil, strength behind the wailing, tearing the veil with His cry, “It is finished”.  I will cry, “Author, and Perfector of our Faith, Alpha, Omega, You will finish what you start and he will be yours, running after your heart.  No longer running away but running his race each day.  I will glory in Your name, I will praise You in the rain, yes I will say with each new day, “he is yours, have Your way.”

“If there’s one thing certain to change your life, it’s death.” 

~ Emily Freeman ~

Death inevitably changes you, changes me.  I am all too familiar with death as many others are as well.  Death is no stranger to us here on earth.  I have a sister that HATES change; I however, don’t mind change.  Life is ever changing.  I find that even in the change HE is NEVER changing.  HE pursues us through the changes even the hard changes.  Death brought change for us all.  His Death brought His truth, His life, His grace, His strength and HE remains the same, faithful as the rising of the sun and setting of the same. HE. IS. And HE IS ALWAYS ENOUGH.  HE is HOPE and HE enables me to FLOAT.  

The last two weeks have been extremely difficult.  IF you do not know I lost my GRAND mother, she was more than a grandmother to me she was my mother. (Read more about how she became my mom HERE.)  Feeling waves of emotions strong as the ones whose mighty strength sweep your legs out from under you and carries you off into endless oceans of sadness.  Waves longing and promising to pull me down, pull me in, and drown me have swept over me, BUT…….

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.” (Is. 43:2)

When I began this challenge I had no inkling that DEATH was right around the corner awaiting to grasp me and burry me into depression, sadness, and bitterness.  However, DEATH where is your sting?  I have recently treaded through deep waters and know this to be true.  I FLOATED.  Just when I thought I was going to drown, as in years past, when death came to kill, steal and destroy this time I FLOATED.  I floated on oceans of tears.  I floated on WHO I KNOW him to be.  I FLOATED on HIS unchanging WORD.

Death has changed me, not just the passing of my mother, but also the death of CHRIST because HE died I can LIVE; I can FLOAT.  In the ark of HIS presence, I will float.  When oceans rise and thunders roll, I will simply float in the safety of HIS arms and love.  I have died myself and HE has HIDDEN me in Himself. 

Death is a shadow. (Ps. 23) I will not fear. In HIs death he overshadowed me and hid me.  I will hide, dwell in the shadow of the Most HIGH, once alone and hidden in the shadow of death, NOW I am alive and hidden in the shadow of His life. He conquered death and brought HOPE. Clinging to Him, I will FLOAT, light because HIS burden is easy and HIS yoke is light.  He is light, and He causes the shadows to reveal HIS life and HOPE. 

I am HIS and HE has redeemed me, today as I continue this 31 Day challenge, I am redeemed from the Depths of Death.  Though death may change us, leave us without here on earth; death in Christ will bring us LIFE never leaving us without. (John 10:10)  His death brings HOPE, LIFE, and allows me to FLOAT.