I'm jealous of a person I've never met and I hate it.

7:17 PM

I almost didn’t write tonight not because I don’t have anything to say, Lord knows and my loving would probably testify I always have something to say or at least have tangled letters rolling around in my head just waiting to be unraveled and sewn together to from words and strings of thoughts.



My thoughts unraveled and my emotions almost went haywire tonight and I chose to stop.  Just stop.  Reminding myself that envy never births promise.  Envy only births discontentment and jealousy.  In this case it was fueling resentment and anger.  Frustrating thoughts of I will never, and why cant I; I wish I could do what she is doing. ON and ON they roared through my head causing my heart to whirl out of sync with the rhythms of His beating heart.

In this moment I had to choose to close the instagram app, possibly even delete the friend not because she did anything wrong she didn’t.  I just can’t handle the fact that He is choosing to use her and not me in that great kind of way that if I am honest with myself I so desperate want as well. 

I want to be used, I want to host conferences, speak, write, travel the world, leave a lasting impact on all those around me, inspire others to fulfill their dreams, tell of all His goodness, faithfulness, and love a million times over.  Yet here I sit with keyboard and fingertips clicking away in pajamas.  I feel so far behind in the race, some days I don’t even feel like I’m in the race. 

Does my life even count, have real worth?  Do I even have anything to offer?  Before you give me all the preachy answers I know, I just want to be real.  I want to be transparent and say yes I am jealous; yes I am frustrated, yes I wish I could be like her.  But I have to let her go.  I am choosing to loosen my grip of jealousy.  I have to know at the end of the night, He is enough. Right here in the right now.  I may not ever get to do any of those fancy things or maybe they are but a day away. 

I kind of feel like belting Annie’s song at the top of my lungs tonight.  Have you ever felt that way!? 

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck in a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may

Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!

You're always
A day
A way!

Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!

You're always
A day
A way!

And after I finished belting this at the top of my lungs, I buried myself in the black print of the words on pages that really matter most.  No you can hardly find these on the pages of instagram, Facebook, blogs, or the world wide web of lies.  You will only find these words written in His Word.  So I take a deep breath and repeat till my heart begins to sync with His and I close my eyes and see His gaze fixate on mine. 

You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you.  Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.  You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are ~ no more, no less.  That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.  You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God.  He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.”

Matthew 5:4-6 Msg

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19 comments

  1. Laura, love your honesty friend. I think many of us have felt this way too. So glad we have a God we can trust in because God is indeed enough.

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  2. I love your honesty in this post, and I can so relate! Sometimes it is hard to be happy for people when they are living a seemingly charmed life and you are working in the trenches and not gaining any traction. Something the Lord has laid on my heart is that he may be calling me to write for ONE person, and if that one person is touched, it doesn't matter how stinky my views are. Thanks for writing anyway!

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    1. Melissa yes thank you for that reminder he went after the one and still goes after the one, yes? The one is seemingly all that matters to him.

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  3. Hoping this makes sense, I resemble your remarks. I have often felt that I don't really make a difference. Matter of fact, just had that conversation with my husband. Thank you for being transparent. Thank you for reminding me of what's really important. Have a blessed evening.

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    1. I am thankful you were reminded as I was I that you make a difference and He makes up the difference! :)

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  4. I am right there with you. I am praying the same things and feeling the same questions. Thanks for being an open book and an open heart.

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    1. Mary thank you for being kind and loving towards a messy heart like mine.

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  5. Reading those verses in The Message translation makes me want to get back into reading that version again. <3

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  6. I've heard a lot of zingy one-liners to combat this mindset: Don't compare their highlight film to your outtakes; if the grass looks greener, the water bill is probably higher. Yadda yadda yadda. You're real, and we all do it. But, I felt like I was to remind you that what you are doing is not minimal so don't see it as such. Yes, your blog posts reach many readers, but that's not what I heard to remind you about. When you think your difference-making is inconsequential, just remember that every day you adjust the flight of your arrows to be truer, and you hone the heads' edges to become razor sharp so as to pointedly accomplish that which they've been released to do. You don't just help individuals improve their lives through media postings. You're sculpting a generation of difference.

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    1. Bill just thank you. Thats all that needs to be said in response. Your friendship and words hold much value to my heart. Thank you for taking time to encourage me.

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  7. I just did that today after looking at too many Etsy shops and bloggers who do what I do except they're- you know- established and successful and probably know how to use Photoshop and understand things like SEO and permalink, etc. :D Oh, and I'm pretty sure they're all in shape and eat healthy too. Lol!! I think Satan loves to dance on our insecurities- they're often what makes me tremble (whether in fear or frustration) the most easily. What's UP with that?! I just want to calm them all down and make them be quiet, and listen once more to Jesus! Whew! So glad I'm not alone- and you're not either! Thanks for writing.

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    1. No you are never alone, I think that is the enemy's greatest tactic to make us think we are alone. Never alone we are truly better together, I don't know tons but I will be happy to share and help in anyway I can.

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  8. Laura, we have all had some experience with this. For me, I know the Lord gave me my gifts and it's almost as though IF the world gave recognition than it's the affirmation/confirmation to those gifts. And yet, God says if you help one, then you've blessed Me. The conundrum of obedience.

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    1. Yes so much truth and wisdom in those words!

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  9. Wow!!! I am so glad I took the time to read your blog post today. I didn't want to read it last night because I was afraid I wasn't up for it - but today I was. And I still say WOW!!! I love your honesty and I have been there too. I am working on not comparing myself to others and being content with where God has me. God is doing so many amazing things in my life right now and I am seeing them and experiencing them first hand and I know I am making a difference. I may not be blazing any trails on my blog but at least one person has been touched recently so I hang onto that truth. God is allowing me to actually do community while I am writing about it and it seems to really intrigue people and I am having fun. However, if I focus on how beautifully and reflective you all write. How beautiful you all are. How fabulous your blogs look. Then I would miss out on what God is doing in my own life and on and through my mess of a blog. The sheer fact that I am on Blogger and almost every amazing writer is on WordPress could send me over the edge. And, yet, God has called me to write and He didn't say use WordPress specifically and He didn't say that I was going to be able to pay the bills through my writing. What He has said clearly is that He wants to use me and I am letting Him do that - every messy step of the way. You,my friend, have been such a great encourager in our blog group that if I never read your blog I would still be better for it. I can't thank you enough for being present in our group and for visiting my blog and not saying anything to me about the mess it is. Nor have you mentioned all my grammar errors. All you have done is been sweet, and kind, and spent some time hearing my heart and for that, dear one, I am so grateful!!! We are in this messy world together and I am so glad we get to do community well and we get to do it together - we get to do it God's way. Love you sweet sister!!!

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    1. Thank you, for this encouragement like water to my dry soul. I am glad I posted now but terrified when I hit publish. I didn't realize such sweet words would come across my screen, giving thanks for you today!

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  10. Oh, I've so been there...way too often. I have to keep telling myself that it's not a competition--it's obedience. Hard to do for this second-born-highly-competative child!

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  11. Oh! How comparisons will be the death of us. We all compare, compare and compare. When really we need to be embracing our strengths and talents and pouring ourselves into them. We all are awesome in what we do. We just need to accept it. It's hard. It's tough. That's why we need that community of people we love that keep us accountable. That's why we need God ultimately to keep us on track. You are so brave for sharing this. We all have been there. We do it too often then not.

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