“Do you love me, do you love me now that I can dance?”  Want to know the TRUTH?  I CANNOT dance.  Want to know another TRUTH?  While the love of this world is largely based on conditions, abilities, what you can do for me, and performance HIS love is NOT!

www.aholyexperience.com

There is no joy in a love driven by performance and perfectionism.  I am a people pleaser by nature. I began loosing the joy of loving Christ and serving Him a few years back.  To say I was frustrated with life was an understatement.  In my quiet time one morning I clearly heard His spirit speak to me, “You can continue living by the frustrations (unfulfilled expectations) of the flesh, or the fruit of the Spirit.”  As you can imagine, this was not all what I was longing to hear.

I realized, when life did not take shape the way I had pictured, I would become frustrated.  This conditional love could be traced back to my teen years.  When I received the FREE GIFT of Salvation, I was ecstatic.  Now I had a Savior, a hero and HE would SAVE me from all this heartache and pain I ‘d been facing alone for so many years.  I would love and serve Him on ONE CONDITION He would save me and make my life picture perfect.

Life like a fragile piece of china shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.  As if I had not already suffered enough loss, the enemy of my soul, your soul, was lurking in the shadows strategically planning his next plan of action.  Unaware of his schemes at the time I stumbled into his well-hidden trap of anger and resentment.  He tried once before to burry me in the pit of death.  Unsuccessful, he patiently waited for his next opportunity.

Having recently accepted Christ as my Savior and tirelessly performing to earn and keep His love, the enemy encroached upon me at my weakest, struck me with death and loss AGAIN.  Not once, not twice, not three times but with FOUR major losses in a row.

My youth pastors announced they were moving, our choir directors were in a car accident on Christmas Eve and died, my brother ran away leaving a note blaming me, and one of the students in our youth was also killed in a car accident on his way to school. 

After I had served, read my Bible, been obedient, paid my pitiful tithes from my measly afterschool job, joined the drama team, studied, respected my teachers, followed the rules, this Jesus, this Savior allowed all of this to happen to me.

He was suppose to SAVE me, keep me give me abundant life.  He failed me.  Cleverly deceiving me the enemy capitalized on my losses.  He cunningly lured me into anger, bitterness, and resentment. 

I would spend the next year of my high school career with my back turned against my Savior.  While He has NEVER been guilty of forsaking me and leaving me, I have been found guilty of running aimlessly away from Him.  I found myself stumbling through a fog of frustration and confusion trying to make my own way in this world.